Nazi courgette
LONDON - If a pigeon lands in your garden, does it get wedged? Would a drinking straw function as a perfectly good garden hose for your crop? If you want to grow your own vegetables, but you’re space-challenged, read on. I propose starting a help group of sorts. You know, to get things out in the open. We’ll call it The Tiny Garden Movement. I’ll kick things off: “My name is Paul and I have a tiny garden. I said GARDEN”.This year, on a square of concrete no bigger than an arse, using a couple of grow bags, a few pots and a window box, I created a mini harvest festival. Granted, it’s not quite The Eden Project, but you’d be surprised what you can produce with a few hours labour and a bunch of seeds.
Plus, with the End of the World apparently nigh, I feel happier that come the Apocalypse I’ll be able to sustain myself with baby cabbages and rocket leaves. It’ll keep my strength up for when I have to fight in the Thunderdome for a thimble full of petrol.
Here is a nutshell summary of the fruits of our toil – and an opinion on the stars and duds of the season:
Tomatoes
Proud and resilient. Standard bearers for the garden-impaired. They impress friends, provide a much needed morale boost and taste delicious.
Rocket and lettuce
Low maintenance, steady, reliable. Like the kind of friend you can take to any party because you know they’ll mix well, without being funnier than you.
Courgettes
Fascists. Always looking to annex the next square foot of land and pillage its nutrients. Took part in the genocide of our cucumbers. Produced pinkie-sized courgettes, then uttered a sinister chuckle.
Wild strawberries
Sexy, mysterious and wanton. Appeared in unlikely places, such as hanging baskets designated for flowers. No idea how they got there.
Cucumber
Deceased. Poor, fragile little cucumber succumbed in the face of stiff competition from Nazi courgette.
Prairie chilli
Reds, yellows and greens – all the irritating perkiness of a zany office joker in a Hawaiian shirt.
Now let’s hear from you. What have you grown? All you urban battery hens shacked up in flats no bigger than a marrow. Wherever you are, if you’re struggling to find the room to place a pot, join us in exorcising your woes and maximising your growing potential.
Welcome, Tiny Gardener. You’re among friends here…
Great article…I am also a tiny gardener…my GARDEN is about the size of a single paving slab. On it I have reared numerous small, greenish-brown, leafy limbs that definitely photosynthesise (if nothing else). So far nothing from my GARDEN has been edible…all “successful” growths have been tested on the neighbour’s cat and all “successful” growths have adversely affected said neighbour’s cat!
However, this article gives me hope that real success can be achieved and thus I will endeavour to make my paving slab yield something valid for human consumption…as long as I stay away from those courgettes eh - thanks for the tip! x